Baseball Bunker: making the most of your MLB playoff push

Sometimes the Baseball Gods are smiling and sometimes, those smiles grace Minneapolis. The Twins were in danger of falling 4 games behind Chicago on Tuesday, however after a Chicago double-dip sweep at the hands of Toronto and a Minnesota win over K.C., the boys climbed back to within a game of the Central leading White Sox. Wins by both clubs yesterday kept the deficit at one game -- further indication that this campaign is going down to the September 28th wire, a date preceded by the Sept. 23rd-25th set with the White Sox at the Dome.

To optimize your complete enjoyment of these last two weeks, here’s an 11-point MLB survival guide to certify that your playoff push is the best it can be.

1. Delivery menus-
The stretch run is no time for baking, basting, blanching, or perhaps even bar-b-que. The latter receives a pass should you have a television outside. Games require complete attention at this sensitive juncture, and the observant fan can’t be bothered with timers or the threats of either burning or over-boiling a meal. In recent months, I’ve undertaken “The Spicer Plan,” whereupon I’ve personally eschewed any “restaurant” that offers a drive-thru option. Delivery is still acceptable, however. Let them bring it to you -- you’ve earned it. Just don’t answer the bell at crucial junctures. They’ll wait.

2. Laptop-
Myriad purposes served here, although at the forefront are the monitoring of White Sox’ games, and the accuracy of statistical knowledge. One of my best friends and I oftentimes bemoan the opining of “false stats.” Get your numbers right. Go to baseball-reference so you can aptly and intelligently add to conversations about town.

3. Oral Fixation-
I smoke. Perhaps you, gentle reader, enjoy a spot of chewing tobacco in either leaf or long cut form. Maybe gum is your bag, in which case I’d personally recommend Bubble Tape or Big League Chew to give the soupçon of being in the moment. Toothpicks (wood or plastic) can also serve as effective stress-relievers in anxious (bullpen) moments.

4. Newspaper(s)-
Sure, the laptop will give you what you need. However, I prefer the sports page for reference and review. It’s easier on the eyes, and a full-on, two-page spread of box scores and standing/leaders is the tops as a (hopefully) forever single reference source. Even if it happened yesterday.

5. Focus-
Autumn is in the air and with it comes the anticipation of NFL Sundays, and, for those of the Fantasy ilk, the preparation of lineups and knowledge of players injuries. Baseball can take a back seat for some on Sundays/Mondays come September. The next three Vikings games on the 14th, 21st, and 28th all run concurrent to Sunday afternoon Twins’ games. Figure out that picture-in-picture deal if you’re smart enough (I’m not), or else lube up that “Review” or “Last” button on the remote. Focus in, drink some green tea extract. The Laptop option also readily comes into play here for many.

6. Compromising of Relationships/Priorities-
You’ve come this far. Don’t quit now. Now is not the time to finally own-up to that long-standing offer to have dinner with the neighbors, nor to attend that community association coffee cake conference on the weights and measures of overhanging deck plants. You’ve followed 150 ballgames. Stay the course, and be unavailable. For the Twins’ September schedule, please click here.

7. Squirt Bottle-
Maybe you don’t have pets -- I do. But should you own fuzzy domestic friends, gentle reader, perhaps you can sympathize that these little monsters somehow know when something important is happening. Don’t miss that Morneau double off the baggy because “Archie” or “Rusty” or “Max” stuck their tail in your face. A few moist kill shots in the ear or nose region should do the trick.

8. Excuse Preparation-
Yesterday, the Twins played their final day game during the week. However, here in the Bread Basket we are oft-overlooked come primetime playoff baseball. There will surely be a daytime set. Start working on an excuse now for missing work and/or responsibility.

9. Bat/Stress Ball/Golf Club-
Tom Cruise is nuts but he had in right in A Few Good Men, carrying his bat about the home. He stole that mannerism from me, and I await residuals. I like to take a few cuts with something during commercials to avoid malaise and keep the circulation constant.

10. Portable Radio-
Prior to the season I bought an $8 shower radio from Walgreen’s or somewhere. I’ve never taken it in the shower, however the device has proven a most useful, albeit somewhat geeky tool to hook on the belt-loop when I want to step outside during a game to grab a cig or some air.

11. Liquor-
Martini, prepared to my personal specifications, has been the trusty friend thus far, although now that nights have cooled I go with something brown. Generally scotch. There’s really no other way to watch pressure baseball than with a cocktail or two.

Did I miss anything? Please advise, enjoy, make use, and hunker down for what looks to be a thrilling two weeks.