Frivolous

Poop Goes The Sports Figure

Filed under: Frivolous

Catalonia has a rich culture, distinct from the rest of Spain. It has bestowed upon visitors the restful beaches of Barcelona, delectable mar i muntanya ('sea and mountain') cuisine and, of course, tiny statues of little pooping people placed in nativity scenes at Christmas.

Confused? Then read about the caganer, a traditional statue that shows a peasant, ahem, returning food to the earth in the most time-honored way possible. They've been around for hundreds of years, and only recently has pop culture made an incursion into caganer construction.

From the Wikipedia entry: "The Catalans have modified this tradition somewhat since the 1940s. In addition to the traditional caganer design, you can easily find other characters assuming the caganer position, such as nuns, devils, Santa Claus, celebrities, athletes, historical figures, politicians, Spanish royalty, and other famous people past and present, including Pope John Paul II, Salvador Dalí, prime minister Jose Luis Rodriguez Zapatero, Princess Letizia and even Osama bin Laden."

Sadly, I couldn't find you a picture of the caganer Osama bin Poopin (although you can buy the President and the Pope).

Yet I thought I heard someone say "athletes" ... so I sought out what was available, and found one blogger's jaw-dropping if meager collection of caganers here. What leaps out at you about me about these pictures -- other than the obvious "Where is Najeh Davenport?" -- is the color of the discharge in question.

Remember in Kurt Vonnegut's short story "Welcome to the Monkey House," where all the males urinated blue because of genital-numbing pills they were forced to pop? It seems these statues are taking related medication, or the caganer's diet is rich in beta carotene. That scat is colored like Bobby Kielty's hair.

Furthermore, the caganer canon sadly appears to not include many athletes we'd recognize in the U.S. Spanish forward Pau Gasol, who plays for the Memphis Grizzlies, and Ronaldinho are basically it.

Miraculously, the available statues don't include any athletes from the Twin Cities. In honor of the upcoming holiday season, I set out to rectify this oversight. Pictures after the jump.

JOE MAUER
Leading off: Joe Mauer. Forget about bobbleheads and replica jerseys. Hand these out at the ol' ballyard, and you'll have yourselves a promotion. While living overseas, one of my favorite things to do was try to explain to non-native English speakers that calling something "shit" was bad, but calling something "the shit" was good. Twins marketing people, your copy writes itself for this one. Stencil it on the front of the caganer: "Joe Mauer is the shit."

KEVIN MCHALE
Garbage In, Garbage Out. You eat the Joe Smith contract, you excrete a bare draft cupboard. Eat crow and trade Kevin Garnett, excrete a team that has two wins so far this season. At least he's contributed to what might be the Celtics' next championship team. No, wait, that's not good -- that's another reason we're affixing his image to the pooper. Look at that face, too: McHale is perhaps our most enthused caganer.

RASHAD MCCANTS
Ever heard the expression "built like a brick shithouse"? McCants' penchant for shooting first and asking questions later may soon have him in the doghouse, though comparatively few of his shots are bricks. One of the few players on the Wolves capable of igniting an offense, the North Carolina product's teammates have historically been heard grumbling about play perceived as selfish. It's entirely possible, though, that McCants doesn't give a shit.

PAT WILLIAMS
Vikings defensive tackle Pat Williams is a large, large man. More coarse writers would imply that this means he could clog a commode the way he clogs the interior line against the run. But we're more genteel, more classy than that, so we'll take a different route. Put this statue in your nativity scene, and we guarantee no demonic invaders will try to sully the Baby Jesus. Big Pat will put a sack on Satan, then ... well, poop on him, I guess. (Genteel and classy lasts one sentence or so in a post about dookie.)

NORMAN GREEN
Norm Green isn't a local figure anymore. But next fall will mark the 15th anniversary of the last big metaphorical dump he took on Twin Cities sports fans by moving the North Stars. Eh, who needs them? We've got the Wild, and Norm now has his own personal shit statue.


DEREK BOOGAARD
On the topic of the Wild: the world needs a Derek Boogaard caganer. I should not have to explain this.

Am I worried that the mountainous hockey enforcer will take exception to this portrayal? That the six-foot, seven-inch, 250 pound Boogeyman will object to my having placed his likeness atop a defecating statue? Sure, but I live by this Catalan pre-meal proverb: "menja bé, caga fort i no tinguis por a la mort!" (Eat well, shit strong and don't be afraid of death!).

Carve that on my tombstone. Or at least on my own personal caganer.

Posted by Jeff Shaw at December 12, 2007 7:00 AM | Comments (1)

 

Top 10 ACL Injury Videos

Filed under: Frivolous

You're welcome, Vikings fans.

For what, you ask? After watching Sunday's shameful drubbing at the hands of Green Bay, the mood among my friends grew somber. We'd watched the Future, the Franchise, the Purple Jesus, leave with a knee injury. Was it serious, I wondered out loud. "It's the Vikings," one friend remarked disgustedly. "We're cursed. Its a torn ACL, and he's done for sure." We agreed that the only way to prevent this was to attempt the rare reverse jinx, where we plan for that eventuality and treat it as a foregone conclusion.

In this case, I agreed to prepare a post featuring 10 of the worst ACL injury videos I'd ever seen. It was the only logical course of action. It would prevent the worst. It was The Right Thing To Do.

I went about the task with only a loose criteria: was it gruesome to watch? Will it make you grab for your own knee? Not all would have to be gross: there are some injuries that, because of the situation, just seemed to fit. I boiled all these factors together into a stew of grisly images and dark humor, and came up with the content after the jump.

The outcome was as we'd hoped. Adrian Peterson's injury was a lateral collateral ligament problem that will keep him out for week, but will not require surgery.

So: thank me now. Because you may be cursing me after you watch some of these. Ready to bury your heart (or at least your stomach) at wounded knee?

10. A high school wrestler blows out his knee
Ewwww Factor: 7
[X] Will make you grab your knee instinctively
Is on here because: Have the sound on? Be prepared for the sickening noise. It's visually not horrible, but the whole package is fairly grim. It's the popping that gets it on here.

9. The technical explanation from Dr. Allan Mishra
Ewwww Factor: 5 ... or is it 8?
[ ] Will make you grab your knee instinctively
Is on here because: This seems pretty boring at first. But it's a great technical description of what goes down, and seconds :24-:28 are surprisingly ... affecting.

8. Skateboarder tears ACL during competition
Ewwww Factor: 7
[X] Will make you grab your knee instinctively
Is on here because: This video is great for so many reasons. The minute of skateboarding, like a historical film about a horrifying event, leaves you in suspense as you await the inevitable outcome. Mostly, though, it's on here for the title: "Nate's ACL says 'Peace'."

7. Mary Pierce goes down during a WTA event
Ewwww Factor: 6
[ ] Will make you grab your knee instinctively
Is on here because: This tennis video isn't too tough to watch (that's the next tennis video on the list). If you watch it with the sound off, you won't even really understand. But if you listen, you will hear Pierce' screams in your head the rest of the day.

6. Milton Bradley falls victim to karma
Ewwww Factor: 4
[ ] Will make you grab your knee instinctively
Is on here because: The malcontent outfielder has caused lots of problems during his storied career. He is one angry dude, as my favorite Milton Bradley quote -- "You can't touch the umpire. You can't spit on the umpire. I know that. But you just get to the point where you're just, 'There, I got that off my chest.'" -- demonstrates. Here, he goes after an umpire, has to be restrained ... and tears his ACL. Schadenfreude-riffic!

5. Guy removes own catheter post-ACL surgery
Ewwww Factor: 9
[ ] Will make you grab your knee instinctively
Is on here because: Simultaneously gross and hilarious, it's random horrifying stuff like this that makes YouTube the experience it is. Doesn't feature the leg-disfigurements of the ensuing videos, but has a sickening power all its own. "Ooooh, that's a lot of blood."

4. Tony Allen, after the whistle
Ewwww Factor: 7
[ ] Will make you grab your knee instinctively
Is on here because: Perhaps the ultimate "reset the video game" moment in ACL injury history. Sometimes, injuries are part of the game. An errant helmet, a misstep on fast break. And sometimes, after the whistle blows, you decide to streak to the hoop, dunk the ball, and ... whoops, there goes the season. Okay, when I say "sometimes," I mean, that happened one time. To Tony Allen of the Boston Celtics. "Ewwww Factor" spikes to 10 if you're a Celtics fan.

Okay, we knew it would get to this point. The top three injuries are more than cringe-worthy. If you're already shuddering, consider yourself warned.

3. Michael Stich's tennis injury
Ewwww Factor: 9
[X] Will make you grab your knee instinctively
Is on here because: A leg is not supposed to bend like that. An ACL injury and so much more, this extremely short clip is the key winner in the "seconds to revulsion" category. It starts with a rolled ankle, and then, well ...

2. Willis McGahee's knee meets a helmet
Ewwww Factor: 10
[X] Will make you grab your knee instinctively
Is on here because: Is on here because? After watching it again, I'm still shocked it's not No. 1. The then-Miami running back takes a freak, direct hit to his knee, which gets all twisted like a yoga position.

1. Shaun Livingston and the fast break from hell
Ewwww Factor: 10
[X] Will make you grab your knee instinctively <--- If you don't grab your knee after watching that, there's something wrong with you
Is on here because: Possibly the most gruesome NBA injury of all time, this fast break gone bad is vile to watch. This Google search for "worst knee injury" + video shows just how much this has stayed in the popular consciousness.

Posted by Jeff Shaw at November 13, 2007 10:41 AM | Comments (0)